The Courage to be Disliked - Fumitake Koga & Ichiro Kishimi
Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi’s The Courage to Be Disliked was on my ‘to read’ list for the longest time, but after picking it up reading a few pages and then putting it back down more times than I care to admit, I realised that my hesitation to delve into it was more to do with the conversation-based layout, rather than the actual content.
Once you are into the book by a matter of pages, it’s clear to see why they have laid it out in such a way, it is so much more than a self-help book, it’s deep, often confronting conversation that challenges us as readers to rethink the way we view themselves, our relationships, and most of all, our potential.
Rooted in Adlerian psychology, the book offers a refreshing perspective: you have the power to choose how you live your life, regardless of past experiences or other people’s expectations.
For anyone, clients included, seeking empowerment and personal growth, this book provides practical insights that can transform everyday life, and most certainly has for me (the sheer number of tabbed pages and notes I’ve written on the pages of this book are testament to that fact.
The book is structured as a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, which makes complex psychological concepts feel accessible and engaging, however it does, as mentioned above, take a little settling into.
At its core, it encourages us to take responsibility for our own happiness and embrace the freedom that comes from living authentically. Here are three key takeaways that I think can help you in practical ways;
You Are Not Your Past
One of the books most liberating ideas is that your past does not define you.
Many of us get stuck believing that early experiences, failures, or criticism dictate who we are today, in fact we believe them to be immovable pillars of our very being.
Adlerian psychology emphasises that we can choose our own goals and direction in life. By shifting the focus from past limitations to present choices, clients can stop being prisoners of history and start taking ownership of the life they want to create.
Separation of Tasks
Koga and Kishimi introduce the concept of “separation of tasks,” aimed at helping us understand what belongs to us and what belongs to others. This is sometimes described as ‘our boats’, in the sense that we all traverse this world surrounded by others, some closer than others, but all of us in our own independent boats that contain all our morals, thoughts about the world, quirks and all.
Worrying about what others think, trying to control someone reaction, or seeking approval unnecessarily can create stress and inaction.
By focusing only on what is within our control, we can reduce anxiety, make clearer decisions, and live more freely.
Case in point, you may not be able to control a situation, but you can control how you behave within that situation, and what power you decide to give it, how much brain space it occupies and how you move on with your feelings around it.
The Power of Contribution
Happiness, the authors argue, comes from contributing to the world beyond oneself. This doesn’t mean grand gestures, far from it, even small acts of kindness or collaboration with others can create a sense of purpose and connection, which forms the basis of all relationships.
Adopting a contribution mindset shifts the focus away from comparison or self-doubt, fostering confidence, resilience, and fulfilment in daily life, something I hear a desire for time and time again in coaching sessions.
The Courage to Be Disliked is a profound guide for anyone seeking greater freedom, self-confidence, and meaningful connection. Its lessons are both philosophical and actionable, providing us readers with tools to navigate life’s challenges with courage and authenticity. By embracing these principles, everyday choices become opportunities for growth, empowerment, and a more fulfilling life.